Febuary 2004

Saturday - Sunday 21st/22nd.

Id be lying if i was to tell you that i'm completely happy with my life, but I'd also be lying if i said that there have been benifits to the break up between me and my boyfriend.

The 'man' i've been falling in and out of love with ever since i was 14 and i have parted ways. And although devastated at the change, I feel somewhat free of misery, but unfortunately that feeling is replaced by this state of numbness i feel day in and out - but that could just be the daily work routine ive just recently picked up. Having a 9-5 has made me realize why people take their lives every year.. and make me wonder why more havent done so.

A good friend of mine who is in the same boat as me, has said 'there has to be more to life than this' - Im sure there is.. there has to be, i mean theres marriage. . and kids? And then what? Divorce Settlements and Child custody claims? Redundancy and death? I'm sure im just being negative.. but we must be prepared for the worst in this day and age of international terrorism and george bush.

But yes, the New Year has brought in, as ive said above, heartbreak and disapointment.. giving me a chance to start a new beginning. I've found this difficult, so many males walk in and out of my life and i have such a hard shell around my heart i cant let anyone in, i dont want to let anyone in because everytime i do the person fucks me over time and time again- and all i do is forgive them when i should just walk away from the situation. This ultimately ends in a messy kaloof, with at least one party not caring. I cant do it anymore.
But as ive said, it has had it's upsides, it showed me how bad of a situation i was actually in, and taught me alot about love.. once again.

It also taught me never to sell my short self again.

To me i've pretty much lost a best friend for New Years, we're apparently still 'friends' but i really cant tolerate talking to him at times, in a weird way it just screws me up inside to even be in contact with him. I dont want to laugh and joke about stuff like we used to. If anything i dont want him in my life at all. After everything, it just sickens me; he's everything i have loved for four years, i cant just sit back and pretend that everything is dandy rose petals.

I don't regret, well maybe a bit.. but i dont regret being with him. Because it was inevidable.. and if it didnt happen i'd still be sitting here twiddling my thumbs thinking that he was my 'dreamboat'. - Maybe that would've been better than what Iam now; negative and sedated slightly amused by every day life, but going through it wishing that something.. anything would happen. Even if the possibility of was being hit buy a bus.

As much as most of my focus this month as well as last has been on my previous relationship, new people have been coming into my life rapidly, some wanting just friendship - others wanting more. It's been an amusing and hard 2 months. I was offered to be pictured in an Australian mens magazine, and havent yet turned them down. I've also got a new job.. thankfully, doing something that i'm great at; Sitting and typing rubbish whilst pretending to design random things. I'm gonna be rich for sure..